THE CRITICS DID IT!

So now Johnny Depp, Jerry Bruckheimer, plus the cast and crew of THE LONE RANGER are out in Europe, Asia or Antarctica trying to sell the most infamous bomb of this summer of box office failures. And the pitch they decided to push in order to sell their movie is that "the critics in the US killed the movie!"

Depp - "You smell like a critic, you look like a critic,
you shit like a critic... You must be a horse!"

Spoiler Alert: There will be no spoilers in this blog since I haven't seen nor plan to see this movie, and it has NOTHING to do with critics. I take film critics with a grain of salt. Sometimes they match my tastes sometimes they don't.

Case in point: ARGO. The critics loved it! It was an Oscar winner! Wow! I fell asleep in the middle of it, Ben Affleck played a character by not having any movement in his face or expressions whatsoever, I didn't feel empathy for anyone... You get my point.

Am I the only one who dozed off in the middle of this?

WORLD WAR Z was liked by the critics and I loved it.

Nice view of downtown San Juan, Puerto Rico...
Before the zombies attacked!!!

TWO GUNS was also loved by the critics but I... Well the jury is still out on that one... Heck, I'll fess up... It was damn sloooooow.

One of "Two Guns"s two action scenes. But, hey,
they were great playing bad-ass buddies!

The critics hated UNBREAKABLE, or anything that M Night Shyamalan (shyamalamadingdong) does, but THAT one I liked...

Bruce Willis is the daddy of bad-asses in Unbreakable,
a homage to comic book heroes with M Night
Shamalamadingdong's typical surprise plot twists.

Ok, so I digress... I did not and will not see THE LONE RANGER until it hits HBO at some point and there's nothing else to see for the following reasons:

Johnny Depp is not a reason for me to see anything. If I see him in a movie it will be because of the movie's plot or premise, and not because of HIM. I say this because Depp has a range of 5 expressions that he repeats for any character he plays. I haven't seen the PIRATES films (sorry), even though I've tried...

The jury is still out on who has less range of expression,
Depp or the dead bird on his head!

And here comes the second reason - I don't think Westerns are a genre that people are into right now, and I think nobody has been into it for years! (See Cowboys V Aliens, gaaaad!).

When The Lone Ranger was popular a thousand years ago, kids actually played "cowboys and injuns" in their backyards or streets... When was the last time you saw any kid playing "cowboys and injuns?" And I say this specifically because Disney is catering to THAT TARGET! So, who came up with the idea that suddenly this movie would revive a dead genre? (See The Wild, Wild, West yikes!).

To make matters worse for me, the idea of having Depp play a Native American, in whiteface no less, seem as grossly inappropriate as having Woody Allen play an African American - in whiteface no less!

The idea seems out of whack to me, not to mention offensive. But it is so typical of Hollywood's bigoted stereotype machine, that it deserved to be parodied by Robert Downy Jr in the brilliant satire: TROPIC THUNDER.

One of the most brilliant characterizations in Downey's career -
an Australian actor playing an African American character in
TROPIC THUNDER.
The only thing that tops it is Tom Cruise's  best character ever,
Les Grossman, below, from that very same movie!

SIDE NOTE: A Native American character named "Tonto" which means "Dumb" in Spanish? And you have the gall to come out with this in the 21st Century?

So why, given all the reasons against me wanting to see this, and I dare say, many other people in the US, would you decide to blame the critics for "focusing on budget, and production gossip," or whatever, instead of the main concern - that the whole premise is just stupid, and outdated!

And, mind you, a stupid idea can make millions (remember The Blair Witch Project?) ...  If you don't spend trillions trying to produce it!

- Roscoe Biscayne